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Sunday, February 10th, 2013
There you are lying in bed. And there she is, lying next to you. You just finished having sex with a girl you’ve been dating (or you’ve just met), and your mind is filling with these questions:
Did she come? Did she enjoy it? Was I good? Did I hold out long enough? Does she want to do this again? Does she expect me to cuddle her? Should I get up? Should I go to the bathroom? Should I leave?
Or, (if she’s at your place) does she want to leave?
When you first start having sex with a new woman, you really want to avoid awkward moments after sex because, well, it’s awkward. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. You just don’t know this person very well. Maybe you’ve known her for a day, a week or a month.
But time doesn’t make any difference because when you start having sex with somebody, it’s going to be awkward. You don’t even know each other.
Even if you’re experienced with other people, you don’t really know what to do, you don’t know what she likes and you certainly don’t know if she was satisfied. You can’t pick up on all the intimate signals yet.
Now, the worst thing to do after sex is to look at a woman when it’s over and ask, “Did you come?” That makes her feel like you’re not in tune with her at all, and she wants to be in tune with you not only sexually but also emotionally and mentally.
Another don’t is to apologize for your performance. I know a lot of guys will do that. When you apologize, all it does is show her that you’re going ahead and assuming that your performance was bad and that she was not satisfied. And it will also tell her that you’re not very confident sexually.
First off, figure out ahead of time what this woman means to you. If it’s the first time you’re having sex with someone who you actually like and may want to be in a relationship with, you need to relax and realize that no matter what it’s like the first time, it’s only going to get better from there on out.
This is because sex only gets better with time, experience and knowledge of your partner. Also realize that if this is a woman you like and you think you’re headed in the direction of a relationship, you must have an open line of communication about sex, and not just right after that one session.
You can do it on the next date, even the next day. Turn to her and say, “Last night was great with you. Is there anything that you’d like me to do? What do you really like? What do you really enjoy?”
Don’t bring it up directly after sex, because her head will be spinning with thoughts just like yours. But do it the very next day so you both have some time to process and learn more about each other.
And it may take some time depending on how open she is. But if you lead and you are open, she will say: “Last night was great the way you moved,” or “Last night was great the way you went down on me. Can you do that again?”
The point is for you to start to open lines of communication so that you can really learn from her sexually and show her you are not ashamed of having sex with her. This is how you’ll avoid those awkward moments after sex. Communication is the absolute key to a good sex life.
But say, for instance, this encounter is just a one-night stand. Before you two actually get down to business, you need to have an action plan ahead of time for what you are going to do afterward.
Determine whether or not you’re going to leave her apartment. Determine whether or not you’ll drive her home at 4:00 a.m. You still need to talk about it afterward. Don’t be a jerk.
Say, “That was great. I really enjoyed that. I had a wonderful time with you tonight. But I really need to sleep alone, and I have a busy work-week.”
If you decide to leave, do yourself a favor and do not make her feel like a hooker. A lot of guys will do that. They’ll basically just leave 10 minutes after having sex, and in doing so, they make a woman regret that she actually had that fling with you. It’s not the gentlemanly thing to do, and it’s not the manly thing to do.
If you are communicating honestly, you both know it’s a fling, and let me tell you, if you both just need to have sex right away, there’s a good chance it’s a fling. Allow her to feel good about her decision to sleep with you. Plus, the fact is, the both of you are really thinking, “if we stay here all night long, we’re just going to stare at the ceiling and not really be comfortable.”
You need to show her that you either see this as a proper date or you need to say, “Hey I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” Describe where you’re at in life. Don’t just leave and make her feel like a hooker.
You never know, down the road she might want another opportunity with you. And down the road you might end up liking her. Communication is the key to decreasing those tongue-tied moments after sex, but there’s a time and place for each conversation.
So, to reiterate, if you like the woman, be subtle with her, make sure there’s a tooth brush waiting for her in the bathroom the next morning, and make sure that she feels open and feels welcome staying at your house.
Don’t talk about your sexual performance until you’re ready to talk about it in a positive way in the next day or two, when you find out more about what she likes.
You want to be confident in your ability, and you want her to understand that you’re confident, because what she really wants is to be turned on by you in every way.